Hello. My name is Keith. I am normally a very happy guy. But, when I am at work, I am usually ANGRY!!!! After all, I am a lowly JANITOR!!! We get no respect. Whether they're a blue collar worker or a white collar worker, they all have the same nasty bathroom habits. I've worked in office buildings and factories. It's funny, just because they wear a suit and tie doesn't mean they practice clean bathroom hygiene. I wonder if they do this crap at home. Is there a puddle of piss in front of their toilet? Don't invite me over!

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  * "Used" toilet paper on the FLOOR! (yuk)
  
  
• * Boogers wiped on the stall wall. (paper?)
  
  
• * Underwear (oops) cut off & behind the toilet.
  
  
• * Piss on TOP of the urinals.
  
  
• * Food wrappers behind the crapper (yummy)
  
  
• * Fingerprints all over the chrome fixtures or any other gross things you can dream up.
  

Another thing is the strange "blow" patterns on the back of the john. One, I would swear, looked like "ELVIS" for gosh sakes.
Some of you people are really SICK, You either need to change your diet or see a doctor. And you people that go into the shitter to SLEEP!! While you're asleep, (havin' a wonderful dream), the guy in the stall next to you is fartin, eatin', crappin', blowin', wipin', pissin', and pickin' his nose. Hell. He might even be sleepin' also. Isn't that a pretty picture. The mothers of these people doing this would really be ashamed of their sons and daughters if they knew this was happening.

Janitors really hate being treated like this.

Also, I wonder why some inconciderate people walk past a "CLOSED" sign, step over a broom handle, and waltz on in. I say, "HEY, It's closed." And they say, "Oh, I didn't know." Duh. We janitors really don't appreciate having to work while people are taking a leak or a dump right next to us. Would they mind if we went to their work area and did the same next to them? MAN, I hope not!!
So when we're working, STAY OUT!!!!

PLEASE:
Respect your janitor

Respect your bathroom

Respect YOURSELF!!!

THE PERFECT DUMP

Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

THE BEER DUMP

Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

THE CHILI DUMP

Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

THE CABLE DUMP

Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" You leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

THE LATRINE DUMP

In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. TIP: DON'T ever, ever look in the hole!!

THE MONA LISA DUMP

This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

THE EMPTY ROLL DUMP

You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

THE SPLASH BACK DUMP

You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. TIP: Blot instead of wiping.

THE ABORTED DUMP

You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

THE CAESARIAN DUMP

Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

THE MACHINE GUN DUMP

You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

THE SOUND EFFECT DUMP

You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:

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  Flush the toilet
• 
  Sing the first two stanzas of the national anthem
• 
  Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
  

THE CLING-ON DUMP

For the most part, you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist, and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

THE HOUDINI DUMP

You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

THE PROCTOLOGIST DUMP

In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump. Because there's nothing biblical about it. You run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture, is it?

THE WHOLE ROLL DUMP

No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.